Open Letter to That Guy

Dear Guy,

Thank you for coming out to the bars tonight. I hope you had an enjoyable evening. I’m sure your friends did at least, since you picked up the tab for everyone. That was very generous of you. I’m sure they appreciated all the Patrón shots and RedBull Vodkas. You’re a very nice friend.
But kiddo, we have a problem. You see, you had a very large tab with me tonight. In fact, I distinctly remember it being close to $70. Not bad for an evening. However, at the end of this evening, I ran your credit card and gave you the receipt. “Sign the top copy for me, and the bottom is yours. Thanks!” The usual. You took said receipt, wrote in your tip, and left. Great.
But honey, a $5 tip on a $70 tab is not okay. Never is that okay. First of all, that’s less than 10%. I was a very attentive cocktail waitress. I smiled a lot and brought you your drinks in record time. A standard tip nowadays is 20%. Second of all, do you realize how much I get paid an hour here? Less than $2.50, meaning that I rely almost solely upon those tips. And third, if you can afford to spend $70 on alcohol, you can afford gratuity. You’re probably spending your daddy’s money anyway.
And so, while I thank you for patronizing our establishment, I feel that it is time to give you a little lesson in waitress etiquette (as this applies to all servers everywhere). Or rather, its a lesson in common courtesy. I’m not out enjoying my Saturday night. Instead, I have a job. And my job is to bring you as many Kamikaze shots as your heart desires. All I ask in return is that you respect my time. I’m not asking for a miracle, just a standard 15-20%.
Your Cocktail Waitress

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