Category Archives: Open Letters

Too Much FB PDA

Dear Guys in Love with Girls,

Please don’t share that information with the world on Facebook. We don’t need to know. Pillow talk is called pillow talk for a reason, and it belongs in the bedroom.

Whisper sweet nothings in private. It doesn’t belong permanently inscribed in zeros and ones, deep in the recesses in cyberspace. Because first of all, that’s impersonal. Go buy her flowers. Typing up a love note [shouldn’t] cut it anymore.

And when a long status pops up in my newsfeed about the luster of her eyes and how her beauty is only outshone by her intelligence, I don’t think it’s romantic. I want to gag.

Too much public display of affection. And yes, PDA still counts as PDA on Facebook.

Knock it off.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Girl Wanting to Creep on People While Keeping My Food Down

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Open Letter to Walmart Man

Dear Sir,

Normally I think it’s a little creepy when random older men talk to me in the grocery store. But you were nice and only needed help finding the Jet Puff stuff. Sorry I couldn’t help you out there.

I am so happy that I ran into you again later in my shopping trip. I’m glad you found the Jet Puff.

And THANK YOU for sharing your wife’s fudge recipe with me. You didn’t have to give it to me, even though you insisted you had more copies of it at home. And, seeing as both you and your wife signed the recipe copy at the bottom, I have a sneaking suspicious you found someone to share that recipe with on purpose. I’m honored you chose me.

Thank you for finding your own small way of spreading holiday cheer.

Sincerely,
Happy Shopper

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Open Letter to Caffeine

Dear Four-Cups-of-Coffee-a-Day Habit,

I have something to tell you, and it probably wont be easy to hear. Do you want to sit down?

Here’s the deal. I realize that we have been in an on-again-off-again relationship for about four years now, but after finals week, we’re through. For reals this time.

I’m sorry, but you just aren’t good for me. You make me nervous and uncomfortable. I can focus with you, but then I’m so high strung that once you’ve left for the day, I crash into a tired, weeping mess. I really do weep a lot– especially lately– and I blame this on you.

So to save my heart, I have to let you go.

Sincerely,
Jittery Emotional Student

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Open Letter to the Universe

Dear World,

While I’m not entirely positive– and more conclusive evidence/experience is needed– I’m pretty sure the absolute best thing that ever happened to you is the Christmas season. I am convinced.

Laid out below are my most unbiased, objective reasons for this claim.

– Drinking steaming hot chocolate with a giant mound of mini marshmallows while cuddled up by a fire (real or the TV yule log kind) on a lazy evening.

– Driving around and admiring twinkling Christmas lights — especially white icicle lights. They’re my weakness.

– Snowflakes, snow piles, snowboarding, snow angels (especially while hot tubbing)

– “Last Christmas” — especially the Wham! version. YouTube it. You wont be sorry.

– Watching Elf and then quoting it for the rest of December. “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?”

– Reading the “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” editorial. It’s so elegant and inspiring.

– Singing “Baby It’s Cold Outside” in the most seductive voice possible, then debating the song’s creepyness vs. awesomeness with friends.

– Listening to Christmas carols while studying. Josh Groban’s velvety voice will soothe your stress away.

– Tacky Christmas sweaters. My favorite is when people wear them to be ironic, but you know they just really love that thick wool knit.

– My bright red sleigh bell earrings with green bows. You better bet I’m going to wear them to class. And jingle all the way.

After such strong evidence has been laid before you, I trust that you will agree with me on this claim of Christmas’s superior position within the existence of humanity.

And to thank you for this delightful bright spot in the middle of such dark, dreary months, I would present you with a commemorative gift, if I could. As it is, I can only offer you a hearty imaginary handshake to show my appreciation to you for allowing this wonderful season to continue on forever. Which, I trust, always will (*hearty handshake turns into intimidating squeeeeeze*).

Please don’t ever let Christmas disappear, no matter how much some Scrooges like to complain that Christmas is over-commercialized. Don’t listen to them. They have a glass half-empty attitude, and their parents probably didn’t let them believe in Santa Clause. They’re still bitter.

Sincerely,
Discerning Holiday Connoisseur

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Thanksgiving Break has begun!

I hope everyone has a wonderful break and gets to eat all the pumpkin pie their hearts desire.

Love,
Me

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NaNoWriMo = Writing a Novel in Thirty Days

My Dearest Readers,
Ohmygoodnessgracious! HOW DID I JUST FIND OUT ABOUT THIS NOW?!?!?!

I just found out that there actually exits a contest where you can sign up and receive a certificate if you write a novel of 50,000 words during the month of November.

What?!

It’s called NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), and apparently, you start writing on Nov. 1, and you submit your work before midnight local time on Nov. 30. And if you finish, you get all sorts of badges and certificates and the pride that comes from knowing that you– yes you!– just wrote a complete novel in only one month.

If only I had known!

*wring hands in despair*

If I had known about this before November 1st, I would absolutely have joined the club. Not that I have any particularly good stories to tell (I’m still looking) or any extra time at all, but I still haven’t given up on the idea of completing a novel before I graduate college– and this could have been my chance.

I would have signed up in a heartbeat, instantly turning into a harried kid typing away like mad in the corner, spurred on by the challenge of writing 2000+ words a day.

But alas, I just heard about this. And November is halfway over. And writing 50,000 words before the 30th means that I would have to write at least 3125 words EVERY DAY, starting tomorrow. To give you perspective, that’s about five– 5, cinco, cinque, cinq— Times New Roman, 12-pt font, single-spaced FULL pages of writing. And it’s all creative stuff, no less. That takes tiiiiime.

I wish I could do it though. I wish ever so terribly that I could. There’s just something about setting a non-negotiable deadline that makes writing that much easier. Until there is a deadline in front of me, there’s no pressure to get it done now…. which means there’s no pressure to complete it ever.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s not too late? I could fit that in somewhere, right?

Sincerely,
An overbooked yet still optimistically undecided student

P.S. Decision still to come. I’ll let you know in the morning.

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Open Letter to IMDb

Dear Internet Movie Database,

I passionately dislike your new formatting. Why on Earth would you want to change something so great as the classic IMDb page? The new layout is not intuitive and it tells you so much less about each film than it used to.

Please change it back! Some of us don’t have the time it takes to hunt around on your site for information that used to be easy to find. We have film papers to write.

Sincerely,
A Disgruntled Film Student

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